A Shocking Revelation
I discovered a shocking revelation during some recent deep self-reflection. I had developed an unhealthy fear of failure. It isn’t uncommon, there’s even a name for it: atychiphobia. I wasn’t familiar with that name, but I knew failure was something that shouldn’t be feared. Failure is important, we grow and learn from it. I already knew this. Which is why I found this so shocking, I didn’t even realize it had been happening to me. It had been totally subconscious.
It Was a Mixed Blessing
Here’s an example. My subconscious fear had manifested itself via the choices of problems I was tackling. My team used a kanban board with a backlog column we chose our work from. Highest priority issues were always at the top of the backlog. But we had some flexibility, the team understood that blindly picking the top issue wasn’t always the best use of time. Sometimes several of the slightly lower priority issues would be from the same area of the codebase, and therefore could be picked up together. That will make a larger set of customers happy, and they’ll be happy sooner. It’s more efficient. Or sometimes fixing a lower priority issue first would make the higher priority ones easier to solve. That’s also more efficient. Or perhaps the top issue is one that another colleague is an expert in, and they’re soon to complete their current task. The next highest priority issue is one that I’m the expert in. So I should take the second one, I know it better, so I’ll finish it faster plus I’m less likely to make a mistake. My colleague will soon grab the first one, they know that area better than me, so they’ll also be faster and less likely to make a mistake. Win-win. This logic isn’t wrong per se, but it was a mixed blessing.
It Served Me Well
A lot of our codebase was written in a proprietary MVC framework, and an even larger area was written in a proprietary HTML-like language. I’d become quite familiar with both over the years. Mainstream non-proprietary frameworks had been working their way into the product. But more often than not there would be an issue close to the top of the backlog, one that was written in the older custom frameworks that I had become comfortable with. I’d pick that one. Because, after all, I’m the most familiar with it. I’m going to solve that one faster, and I’ll be less likely to introduce a bug.
I soon became known as the subject matter expert in at least a dozen areas of the codebase. I also was recognized for having a very low regression rate. I would look over my code over and over again. I would add every test I could think of, poke at every edge case I could fathom. I didn’t want to fail. I was afraid to fail. I consequently became known as someone who spotted little details that others missed. Before long I was promoted to senior software developer. My fear of failure, it served me well.
Do You Fear Failure?
My fear did serve me well in many ways. But while others were ramping up in the latest frameworks, I was allowing myself to fall behind. Catching back up sure would have been easier if I’d done things differently. If I could go back and do it all over, what I would have done is specifically pick up the issues I knew I was likely to fail on. Not all the time, not even the majority of the time, but at least periodically. I’d pick a colleague who I knew was an expert in the area to review my code. Because I don’t want a potential failure reaching the customer. But I do want the opportunity to fail and more importantly to learn from it.
Do you fear failure? The life lesson here is tricky, because even if you don’t think you fear failure, it may be because your fear is hiding in the subconscious like it was for me. So I think it may be better to look for patterns in behaviour. If you find yourself always choosing a more comfortable option, then question why that is the case. Maybe it’s fear lurking behind that decision.
It Absolutely Terrifies Me
If someone told my friends, family, colleagues, anyone that is close to me, that I was going to start blogging, they wouldn’t believe it. I’ve always been a very private person. I’ve shunned all forms of social media for years. I do like to help people, I like to help them solve problems. It is incredibly gratifying. But I prefer to do it from the shadows. I’ve had some traumatic past experiences, and I think they are a legitimate reason for avoiding the limelight. But I think my fear of failure is another reason, and quite likely the dominant one.
So why have I started blogging? Because I have a fear of failure, and a fear of failure isn’t healthy for a software developer. I doubt it is healthy for anyone. But blogging about my failures will force me to confront this head on. It does scare me. It absolutely terrifies me. But I also can’t think of a better way to defeat it. And maybe, just maybe, I can help and inspire someone else to take the fight to their fears as well.
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