Don’t Make Assumptions, Ask Questions
A few weeks ago I attended a presentation by one of my colleagues, Katy Robinson. Katy shared that she has an ADHD diagnosis; she spoke about some of the challenges that come with that, and shared tips and tricks she uses to successfully navigate those challenges.
I feel that owe Katy an apology, because my first reaction to her presentation was not empathic. The tips and tricks were great, I used variations of many of them already, but the challenges she described felt to me like they would apply to anyone’s daily life ( because they all applied to mine ). So I was initially a bit dismissive.
I was meditating a while later and was reflecting on her presentation. That’s when it hit me: “Derek, why are you assuming that everyone else’s daily life is like yours?” As a software developer I’m supposed to be good at avoiding assumptions, at asking questions and ensuring I’m fixing the right problems. So I was ashamed to catch myself making such a terrible assumption. Don’t make assumptions, ask questions!
Life Changing Discoveries
Once I got past my poor assumption, I realized that Katy was simply describing her own daily struggles, and it just so happened that those struggles were uncannily similar to mine. I had to ask myself, why is that? So, Katy, if you end up reading this, then I’m sorry for my initial reaction. I’m also incredibly grateful to you for sharing your insights, because it has lead me to some truly life changing discoveries.
Katy’s presentation directly lead me to Jessica McCabe, and to a highly recommended book, How to ADHD An Insider’s Guide to Working with Your Brain (Not Against It). I read it from cover-to-cover, and was astonished by how closely it described my own life. Nearly the entire book was relatable, but I’ve selected a few standouts to review.
Executive Function and Working Memory
I received a scholarship when I graduated high school for achieving the highest grade in every single one of my math courses. That may sound like I’m bragging, but I’m going to immediately follow that with something that I’ve long found embarrassing: I also struggle with basic arithmetic. I can rarely calculate change after I’ve made a transaction, at least not in my head. This has always bothered me. How can I be competent enough at mathematics to complete an engineering undergrad, and yet simultaneously struggle with first grade subtraction?
I found a potential answer in Jessica’s book. Those with ADHD tend to have struggles with executive function, and working memory is a big component of that. I realized that is exactly why some basic arithmetic can be a problem for me: I forget what I’m working with before I reach an answer. I’m good when I’m keeping track of things on paper, but it falls apart quickly if I try to do it all in my head.
Focus and Hyperfocus
I think I sometimes come across as rude in person, because I easily lose focus during a conversation. Every little thing can distract me, and as highly as I value the conversation and the person I’m having it with, it’s still frustratingly easy for me to lose focus. It’s been a big problem for as long as I can remember. And it’s not just conversations, it’s almost everything. If I try to do one task, there’s a very good chance I’ll get distracted and end up completing several other unrelated tasks instead. On the other hand, I can focus so intently on some things that nothing distracts me from them. Not even the need for food, water, sleep; I can get so focused on a task that it can quite literally become dangerous to my health.
How is it that I can be so easily distracted, and other times be intensely hyper focused? Well, it turns out those with ADHD tend to struggle with exactly this, so I potentially have an answer now.
Motivation and Procrastination
I always manage to get important projects done, but getting the motivation to actually start those projects can be a challenge. It doesn’t seem to matter how important a task is, if it isn’t interesting enough I just can’t get started. So I procrastinate. I procrastinate a lot. I’ve long thought that I must have cycles of being irresponsible and lazy, but it doesn’t matter how harshly I judge myself or how much I know I should do it differently, I still can’t get started if the task isn’t enticing enough. This has been a consistent source of self loathing.
That said, as soon as a task becomes urgent enough my brain seems to kick into gear. Almost every important project that I can recall has been both started and finished in the weeks or even days prior to it being due. Doing things this way has worked relatively well for me, I do get my projects done and the output is of high quality, but it is also a terribly stressful approach to completing things.
Jessica describes this in detail too: those with ADHD are simply not motivated by what is important, they are motivated by urgency. And it is not because they’re lazy; she explains how this is due to differences with brain chemistry, specifically with dopamine regulation.
Sleep Difficulties
Getting enough sleep to function has long been the bane of my existence. Even as a child I remember lying awake for hours and hours unable to sleep. It is more problematic as an adult. I try to follow good sleep hygiene. I make use of chamomile and agarwood tea to help calm the mind before bed. I do meditative breath work for the same reason. I keep synthetic melatonin and sleeping pills nearby too. I’ll use those if it gets bad enough, but I find the side effects undesirable so I prefer not to. All these things help, but a consistent good nights sleep is still very much a challenge. Every little sound has the potential to distract me from slumber, to get my mind racing on some random topic, and then I’m back to being wide awake. I’ve participated in several sleep studies; they found some minor sleep apnea, and one diagnosed me with DSPS ( Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome ).
It turns out that sleep difficulties are one of the most common struggles for those with ADHD. I was shocked to find that DSPS is even mentioned specifically. It’s actually difficult for those with ADHD to relax in general, and that is certainly the case for me too.
Temporal Processing
Those with ADHD often struggle with time blindness/nearsightedness: they find it exceptionally difficult recognizing how much time has passed or estimating how long something will take.
At first I didn’t think this one resonated with me. If I want to be on time for something, I’ll be on time. But as I reflected, I realized that the reason I’m on time is often because I arrive at my destination several hours early. I’ve been bit too many times in the past, so now I make sure I’m excessively early to account for any unexpected delays or problems. That gets me where I need to be on time, but it certainly isn’t an efficient use of time.
I also like to plan as much as I can in advance, to the point I’ve been called obsessive. If things are planned there are less surprises to distract me. I try to stick to routines for the same reason. I use cues and timers to help me manage surprises. I realized I focus on time to the point that I’ve even developed a bit of an obsession with wrist watch design. And it turns out that these challenges and strategies are pretty common with ADHD. So, in hindsight, this one was very relatable too.
Software Development
Software Development isn’t specifically mentioned in the book, but I did get the overall impression that ADHD can have several benefits that fit well with this career. The ADHD mind can be exceptionally creative, may pick up on little details that others miss, and the ability to hyper focus can be a super power when it is targeting the right task. These are things I’ve received positive feedback on from mentors in the field. Have I had ADHD my entire life, totally oblivious to it until now?
Conclusions
Maybe. Jessica McCabe’s book makes it clear that a professional diagnosis is the only way to know for sure. She points out that there are other conditions such as ASD, anxiety, even childhood trauma, that can manifest themselves in similar ways. I’m not diagnosed (yet), so I can only speculate for now.
Nonetheless what I’ve learned over the past few weeks has been life changing. These issues I’ve struggled with for as long as I can remember, issues that have made me feel that I am irresponsible, impulsive, lazy, totally incompetent at times. Learning that there are alternative explanations ( whether that is ADHD, or not ), and learning that I’m not alone, it is comforting, healing, and empowering.
Wait, One More Thing!
Do any of the challenges I’ve described sound similar to your own? If so, then don’t make assumptions, ask questions! I can’t recommend Jessica McCabe’s book enough. Reading it might just change your life for the better.
Or maybe you know somebody else, someone you think may have similar struggles? If you do then please, I implore you, point them to the same material. You might just change their life for the better too.
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